Why talking about sex is harder than having it
In long-term relationships couples talk about everything — money, kids, work, vacations — except what is or isn’t happening in the bedroom. In clinical practice this is the single most common reason couples come to a sex therapist: not “bad chemistry” but the fact that they have simply never talked about it.
Step 1: pick the right time and place
The biggest mistake is starting the conversation in bed, right after a disappointing intimate moment, or in the middle of an argument. The nervous system is in protection mode and any suggestion sounds like criticism.
Step 2: lead with “I”, not “you”
Instead of “You never initiate”, say “Lately I’ve been missing the feeling of being wanted, and I’d like to talk about it.” Same content, completely different reception.
Step 3: three questions that open the door
- What in our intimate life has been working well for you lately?
- Is there anything you’d like more of, less of, or done differently?
- Is there something you think about but haven’t felt able to tell me?
Step 4: when you hear something hard
Almost certainly you’ll hear something unexpected. The most important move is not to react immediately. Say: “Thank you for telling me. I need a few minutes (or a day) to sit with this.”
Step 5: the yes / no / maybe list
A simple tool widely used in sex therapy: each partner privately sorts activities into three columns — yes, no, maybe — then the lists are compared. It removes the pressure of answering on the spot and surfaces real overlaps.
Key takeaways
- Talking about sex is a skill, not a talent.
- Start with yourself, not with criticism.
- Right time and place is half the battle.
- If you keep getting stuck, a few sessions with a couples or sex therapist can save years.
PhD klinikinė psichologė, sertifikuota porų ir seksualumo terapeutė
Dr. Eglė Kazlauskaitė is a clinical psychologist and certified couples and sex therapist with over 12 years of experience helping couples navigate emotional closeness, desire discrepancies and sexual communication. She holds a PhD in relationship psychology from Vilnius University and works in the tradition of Esther Perel and the Gottman Institute, leading workshops on conscious intimacy and long-term relational dynamics.
For Spice Up she writes about talking about sex without shame, why desire shifts over time, and how foreplay starts long before any touch.